The mini-review spot

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Post by UncleMao » 22 Jan 2006 16:54

1) Memoirs of a Geisha
Gist - Ziyi is Chiyo. A girl sold into service as a slave/Geisha trainee. She gets involved in the local Geisha house politics even as she tries to work a way to gain her freedom. Her stubborn nature gets tempered and molded, but never diminished, as she transforms into the most desired Geisha in all of Osaka.

Pros - Overall better than average acting. Gong Li is the ultimate queen bitch of the universe in this movie. Ziyi plays her role rather well. Watanabe builds on his nice guy Last Samurai style character. A fresh film with some brilliant visuals and great music by John Williams.

Cons - Failure of Zit control by makeup on Ziyi's face in some Geisha shots. Past all the nice first half stuff, Geisha becomes a very basic romance story. Some of the English is gook-massacred

Rating 4.5 out of 5. Commie loved it, but it is NOT for everyone.

2) Get Rich or Die Tryin'

Gist - a very loose account of Fiddy's life in the role of Marcus, a boy growing up in a family legacy deeply rooted in drug dealing. Marcus gets sucked into the family trade and pays the price of his choice. A life changing event happens, and Marcus decides to channel his fight to music.

Pros - All low expectations aside, Get Rich IS a pretty decent film, at least, more so than 8 Mile or Coach Carter, which both lacked a certain level of depth. Get Rich is by no means a perfect film. But for the tale it tries to tell, it does a decent job in doing so. Bill Duke is the Brando of Niggers. Period. 50 isn't too bad of an actor at all. The coon can even cry on cue. What a top nigger. Werd.

Cons - The end kinda is expected for a MTV-esque made movie. The jail fight sequence was comical at best rather than menacing. There should be a 2 cock limit on any male nude scenes in American films. Any more than that is just queer.

Rating 3.5 out of 5 - Not bad for a rapper's flick.

3) Narnia
Pros - None. Okay 1/2. Liam Neeson does the best voicing for a CGI character in the whole film. The beavers were quite cute. I wanted to cockchoke Susan Pevensie.

Cons - Everything else

Rating 1 out of 5 - Narnia is a boring pile of horse.

4) Underworld Evolution

Gist - The gist doesn't matter. Vampires and Werewolves can;t get along. Kate Beckinsale is a pom vagina who also happens to be the Vampire's version of a ninja. She kills everything. Her boyfriend is a bastard child half vamp half werewolf supergod. Some other pseudo baddies wake up to try to take them on and get owned... obviously.

Pros - Beckinsale gets half naked and she has a hot bod. Lotsa Kong style jaw-breaking and clawed fist through the chest style fatality killings

Cons - I like plot with my jaw-breakings.

Rating 2 out of 5. Good action scenes. Tits. Lotsa fightings. No plot. Violence. Ranting confusing plot monologue. Violence. More plot covoluted mumbo jumbo. He died but not really attempt. more violence.

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Post by UncleMao » 24 Jan 2006 07:21

The Producers

Gist: Bialistock is a crass and underhanded lowlife director who along with Bloom, a by-the-books bookmaker sort, hatch a scheme to make money by deliberately trying to launch a flop musical in an attempt to skim money of the investments to make themselves some monies. Producers is only enjoyable to the truly gay who go to musicals on a regular basis.

Pros: The songs are pretty good. Uma Thurman actually looks like a woman for once. Some of the dance sequences are actually quite visually fun.

Cons: Plot advancement is slow and plodding and not much happens in between the songs. Mel Brooks style jokes are as they always are. One funny line in between 35 other non-funny ones. The humour is pun-filled and suggestive, but not much more. The lame factor is high, and The Producers has as much resonance in today's day an age as a herring-in-a-sock.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5. Watch it for free and only if it is.

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Location: The Heart of the Proletariat

Post by UncleMao » 31 Jan 2006 12:35

The Family Stone

Gist: The Stone family seems rather laid back in the beginning. But when favourite son Everett brings back his uptight urbanite girlfriend Sarah Jessica Parker home for Christmas, love seems an absent commodity as SJP begins to rub every single family member the wrong way. (Including their deaf, gay son and his black boyfriend). Add Luke Wilson as a very seedy covetuous brother who is intent on scoring with his brother's girl (eww) and Claire Danes as SJP's much more Stone-esque sister, all mayhem breaks loose as a dozen or so vague sideplots end up interloping with each other in a rather sloppy comedy/drama that really doesn't succeed very well at being either.

Pros: The cast has to be commended for being able to pull together so many potential scene stealers in 1 movie. SJP seems to hold her own and manages to pull off a sympathetic performance for what otherwise is a very unsympathetic character. Diane Keaton is at her matriachal best and Craig T Nelson seems to have finally managed to act himself out of his Poltergeist 2 funk.

Cons: All potentials aside, the Family Stone is first and foremost a very mediocre film. The pacing is a tad slow, the timing on the scenes is badly oriented and the film has a tendency of going serious when it should be funny and vice versa. Mind you it has it's funny bits, although they are rather dark in nature and not necessarily parts of the film that were meant to be laughed at. The film tends to play up a very PC stance with the Stone family being nothing less than a dramatization of the family unit according to Benetton.

Rating: 2 out of a possible 5. DVD viewing at best, and only if your first and second choices were rented out.

Nanny McPhee

Gist: Family of little terrors headed by recently widowed inept father are on the verge of a crisis when the resident financier Aunt threatens to stop making the payments, should Father be unable to find a new wife in x-amount of time. Father tries to hire new nannies but the terrors succeed in shooing them away. Cue Nanny McPhee, arse-faced ugly cunt of the universe as Nanny-Super-Mary-Poppins who cracks her magic cane and whips the little tykes into obedient nanny loving ex-heathens. Cue a money grubbing professional marry-er who targets dad, now its up to the tykes to pick up their ex-terrorist ways, with nanny's magic ways to back them up.

Pros: The kids are truly a revelation. Each of them are capable actors and rather adorable in general. Kids will tend to overlook the slaggish pace for the movie's visual spectacle. There are shades of Poppin-esque magic in between the yawns, and Emma Thompson does rather well in producing this "could have been much worse" ass of a story. Kelly McDonald is still hot. I still can imagine her nice trim bush in Trainspotting. Yum. But that really has nothing to do with this movie. No bush here. Boo.

Cons: Heaps of this movie should have been left on the cutting room floor. McPhee runs a tad long for a kid's movie and although it will maintain their attention, some parents will find this movie utter hell. The talking donkey is just the breaking point where most people begin to question why they bothered in the first place.

Rating 4 out of 5 (For kids under 10). 1.5 out of 5 for old suffering perverts.

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